Proximity: Moving Between the Zones

Confidence is all about feeling comfortable in our own territory, our own personal space. If you feel comfortable you display signs of openness for advancement, while if we are threatened we put up a guard. Everyone reacts differently and has his own level of comfort. Just as we need to understand the clues that women signal to us, understanding personal comfort zones allow us to know if we are moving to quickly in a target’s direction.

An easy experiment you can do to test a person’s personal zone is to invade their space. Everywhere we go, every room we enter, subconsciously we determine what our space is and what the space of another person is. Generally everyone divides the space up equally among the number of people in the room. Take for example two people sitting across from each other at a table in a restaurant. Subconsciously they have each determined that they have half of the table. Slowly start invading their space. Place your keys on the table and push it towards them. Move the salt shaker or menus into their space. Take your water and place it in their half. They will do one of two things, either they will react to your threats, and start moving those objects out of their space and back into yours, or they will retreat. They will move back in their chairs, or move their plate to make more room. They don’t even know they are doing any of this unless you make them aware of the fact. They were doing all of this subconsciously. People react the same way in social situations. If a person is moving into their space too quickly, they will retreat, or take a step back to regain their space.

Even something as simple as where you sit on a couch shows how open you are to company and your level of comfort. If you sit on the very end of a couch, smashed up against the side, you are portraying the image of, “I don’t want anyone to sit next to me, I am scared of my surroundings and am trying to hide.” If you sit in the middle of the couch you are saying, “I don’t want any company. I am sitting in the middle because I want you to have to feel uncomfortable to sit next to me. This is my couch if you want it you are going to have to come and take it from me.” The solution is to sit to one side, not smashed up against the arm nor directly in the middle of the couch. You are inviting company, company being a female, to sit down next to you. You are saying, “I welcome company, I am giving you enough room to sit here and be comfortable.”

Personal Space is Broken Up into Four Distinct Zones

Public Zone
Seven feet and beyond from the target is considered the public zone. This is reserved for large groups, such as a speaker or entertainer. Think of a teacher in a lecture hall. Distant enough for a large audience to see and hear them, yet everyone is far enough away from the target not to pose an immediate threat. The public zone is where you look for your targets, make eye contact with the girls you like, and watch for subtle signals such as pointing their body in your direction or adjusting their body posture to more flattering and attractive positions.

Social Zone
Four to seven feet describe the social zone. The most commonly seen examples are small groups formed in a resemblance of a circle. Every member in the group is able to effectively communicate with one another but the small group adds a nature of privacy and exclusivity. The people that “fit in" the group make their way in the circle, while those who do not “fit in” are slowly squeezed out of the group by their peers. A lot of body language will be on display during these situations so pay attention. Women will point their bodies in the direction of the men they find most interesting, trying to get their attention, or they will move to a position in the group that is in your direct line of sight. Confident women, who are attracted to you, will position themselves next to you in the group.

The most important part of the social zone is it allows a couple to break off into their own personal conversations. Position yourself next to the target of your choosing, and start up your own conversation. This will allow you to move into your own conversation and break off from the bigger group, getting to know the target.

Personal Zone
The personal zone is between one and two feet. You are able to reach out and grab the targets hand, or touch them in a non sexual manner, but there is still enough space between the two of you to be comfortable. At this zone, most body language signals will be given either with her eyes, or she will start to touch you, as all other signals have failed. It is easy to look into her eyes at this distance and see if they are dilated or if they flickering back and forth. She may lean into you to hear you better, or to press her body up against yours. Any time she touches herself is a direct signal to you that you should be doing the same.

Intimate Zone
The intimate zone is a very close distance between the two of you. Touching in a sexual way, kissing, hugging, or feeling their breath, is all part of the intimate zone. It is the personal space we use during sex. At this zone there is very little guesswork on your part. She is yours to be had and if you haven’t made a move by now, she will be quickly making one on you.

To be a true master of the game, you need to understand how to move from each zone to the next. You cannot jump from one zone to another without first going through each, nor is it a linear process. A target may let you into her personal zone and then realize that you are moving things along faster than what she is comfortable with. She will compensate by moving back a zone or two regaining her distance until she gets to know you better. This can go back and forth all night long until she is finally comfortable enough to let you in to her intimate zone to steal a kiss. It’s the whole, two steps forward, one step back, mentality. By reading her body language signals, you can gage her reactions and get feedback as to how receptive she is to you coming into her space.

Approaching

When first learning to pick up women, the most difficult and daunting task will be the approach. We may know all the signals, the perfect openers, and how to move the conversation to our favor. But when it comes to the most crucial aspect of the game, broken down to the simplest of terms, moving from point A to point B and introducing ourselves, we fail. The only reason for this failure is because of ourselves; self doubt. We talk ourselves out of the possibility before we even try. In the rare cases that we do make an attempt, our unconfident body language and weak approach tell the target, “I’m nothing special, I’m not a man of worth, please turn me down!” When she sees this she will reject us, not because she did not like us, but because she was responding subconsciously to our body language asking her to reject us. Thus further justifying our claim that we should have never made the attempt in the first place.

Overcoming Approach Anxiety: The Non Person
The most effective solution I have found to overcoming approach anxiety is through the use of a non person. A non person is someone who doesn’t matter, someone whom we do not justify their existence, because to recognize their existence would make them human and subject us to feelings and emotions associated with being human. Justifying someone as a non person allows us to act without emotion towards that individual, to accomplish what needs to be done while detaching ourselves emotionally. A perfect example is a bum on the street asking for change. If we were to stop and recognize that individual we would feel sorry for them and perhaps give them money, but if we do not wish to give them any money and still feel good about ourselves laster we walk by that individual not recognizing their existence. We don’t even look at him. To look at him would remind us he was human. We think in our heads, “He is just a bum, street trash, he does not matter, he is not human, he does not deserve my hard earned money!” That way we are able to bypass him completely, not giving it a second thought.

Throughout the book we refer to women as targets. We do this intentionally. To refer to them as targets takes away their humanity. It takes away our fear of women, and all emotions and feelings we experience when approaching and talking to them. If we do not recognize their existence, we have nothing to fear, no fear of rejection, no fear of failure. We act calm and confident. We remember the teachings of the book and apply them accordingly. Over time as you build confidence around women and are able to approach them without fear, you will no longer need to look at them in this light. But in the short term, this can be an effective solution to overcoming any fear you might have.

Approach Angles

When you receive the signal from the target and are ready to make the approach, the angle at which you approach her is important. There are three directions we approach the target from, two which we will use constantly, and one direction we will only use in very specific situations.

Approaching From the Front
The most direct, and threatening way to approach, is to approach them at their front, head on. This is a very direct approach. You are telling the target, “I see you, I am coming to get you.” While I like to be direct as possible, approaching from this angle does more harm then good. It is a direct attack on the person. You are entering their space, which immediately tells the target to put up her guard and be ready for a confrontation. She is now on the defense and you will have to do some smooth talking to get her to drop it.

The only time I advise the head on approach is when you have direct eye contact with the target. Meaning, you have and are holding eye contact the entire time of your approach. From the initial contact, to when you introduce yourself, your eyes are locked the entire time. In this situation, you want to move directly towards her in the shortest line possible. The reason being, any hesitation or movement away from the target shows a lack of confidence on your part. That moment of hesitation will cause the target to lose interest in you and you will be shut down before you can finish your approach.

Approaching From the Side
The most successful and non-threatening approach, is to approach the target from her side. She can see you coming in her peripheral vision or with a turn of her head, but since it is not a direct attack, you are not seen as a threat. If she does not welcome your approach she can quickly turn her back, avoiding the confrontation without publicly humiliating you. It is her polite way of signaling, “Don’t talk to me!” If she welcomes your advance she will either keep her side to you or turn her body towards you in an inviting manner. The signal may be small and hard to pick up on, but any movement in your direction is a positive signal.

Approaching From the Rear
No one likes to be caught with their guard down. At no time should you ever approach a target from the rear. Not only does this show a lack of confidence on your part, but it is essentially a sneak attack and has the same effect as stabbing the target in the back. Approaching from the rear exploits the target’s vulnerability and she will respond by immediately putting up her defenses. Any attempt for conversation on your part will lead in disaster.

The only time you will ever approach someone from the rear, is when you also have your back to the target. This situation does not present itself that often, but take advantage of it when it happens. Imagine you are in a group with your friends and the target happens to be behind you, or part of another group. She must be within earshot for this to work. Your backs are both to each other. You would look like a fool if you were to walk around her group to approach her properly, nor can you turn around and tap her on the back. What you do is, while keeping your feet in place, turn your head so you can engage in conversation. Even though you are approaching her from her rear, your back is also exposed making you just as vulnerable. She will not see you as a threat and will be receptive to your advance. Once you start the initial conversation, you can turn around.

Try to approach from the proper direction whenever you can. Not every situation you find yourself in will allow you to do so. If the opportunity is there, then take it, but do not force it. If approaching from the proper angle will make it obvious to the gril what you are doing, and make you look foolish, then you are better off taking the most direct approach to her. It is always better to have approached the target and be shot down, than it is to not have approached at all and live in regret.

Leveling

After making your approach, you now want to start building attraction, but for this to happen you need to be on her level. By this I mean if she is standing, you need to be standing. If she is sitting then you sit. If she is sitting and you are standing, you will appear to be dominant and she will try to retreat from your threatening presence. The opposite is also true, if she is standing and you are sitting, she will feel dominant over you, thus taking away from the Alpha Male persona you built when you entered the room. You want to try and be at eye level. If you are much taller than the girl when you are both standing, try to lean in some, or rest your elbows on something nearby to lower yourself. This not only brings you closer to her level, it helps you to break into her personal zone as well. Just don't lower yourself too low so that she is now standing over you. Again the situation will depict your actions.

Proper leveling is all about being ready to move and moving in a confident manner. If you approach a table of girls and they are all sitting down, then make your approach, introduce yourself, and sit down in an available chair. If no chair is available then squat down, or tell a girl, preferably your intended target, to scoot over and make room for you. This shows confidence on your part, and if you are sharing a chair it allows you to break the touch barrier in a matter of seconds. Leveling is all about not showing hesitation. Never ask if you can sit down, or join the group. That gives them an opportunity to reject you, and it makes you appear needy, or that you are trying to seek approval from them. You are the Alpha Male, and they are blessed to be in your presence. Take your rightful seat and join the group.

Now that you are at the proper level, the games can begin. At this stage, we already know the target is attracted to us. We saw that in her initial eye contact and her body language. Now we must continue to build the attraction. We must let it be known that we are interested from the beginning. We do this by properly positioning ourselves and our body to show that interest. Open your body up to hers, keep your feet open, keep your arms to your side, showing openness. Now is not the time to be closed off.

Touching

We are working to break the touch barrier. When you begin conversation with the girl you are interested in you start out at a short distance from one another, about two to three feet. As you continue your conversation, you want to be moving closer to her. It is important to note that she is the one who needs to be initiating this closeness. If you come across as too aggressive, she will back up and put up her defenses. She needs to feel comfortable around you first before letting you in. The first time she leans into you to tell you something, take this as a chance to take a step closer to her and close the distance. You converse back and forth and she touches you on the arm. Now you are free to touch back. Keep moving closer and closer and pretty soon you are standing or sitting right next to each other, either with your arm around her or your knees touching. This is building sexual chemistry. The slow sexual chemistry build up and anticipation will drive her wild.

Touching does not always have to be sexual in nature. In fact, it is the innocent touching that we will use specifically to break the touch barrier. When you introduce yourself to the target, she may or may not try to shake your hand. If she does, shake her hand with both hands and hold it for two to three seconds while the introductions are being made. This shows confidence on your part and shows her you are not afraid to touch her. If a good female friend of mine introduces me to a girl I find attractive, I open my arms as if to give a hug, unless they hate all of mankind, they will hug you back. When another female introduces you to another, you have already passed the “female test” and are thought of as a good guy, so while this hug may seem innocent and friendly to them, we are setting her up for later. If she does turn you down for the hug tell her, “Don’t leave me hanging here, at least give me a high five.” Any time you are about to walk with the target, give her your arm and say, “Shall we?” She will respond by grabbing onto your arm. You can also just grab her hand as to lead her through the crowd. This allows you to be touching her while taking charge in a dominant fashion.

Once you establish physical contact in the relationship, there is no turning back. From that point it will be expected and welcome. The innocent touching will soon lead to something more sensual such as a back rub. Once she begins to touch you, you need to be able to respond. Touch her back without hesitation.

Practical Application

Here is an example conversation in a bar setting of how to move through the touch barrier.

You: “Hey my name’s Nick, how are you doing?”
Her: “Good I’m Natalie.”
You: “Nice to meet you Natalie.” Shaking her hand with both hands.

Repeating her name back to her does two things, it helps you remember it later, and women like to hear men say or call them by name. This could get her immediate interest and pave the way for a smooth pick up.

Her: “What brings you out tonight?”
You: “I’m sorry, it’s loud in here.” While pointing to your ear.
Her: “I said what brings you out tonight?” She leans forward so you can hear her better.

By telling her you can't hear her, you have invited her into your personal space and she will accept. This is not threatening in nature, but what you are actually doing is making your way through the zones, and bringing down her walls.

You: In a sarcastic tone, “Me? Oh you know I came to dance. The guy’s and I were talking, we had a stressful week, so we came here to let it all out on the dance floor!” Taking a small step forward in her direction.
Her: Laughing, “Yeah I’m sure that’s it!” While hitting you on the arm.
You: Grabbing your arm, “You pack quite the punch, you must be a gym rat!”
Her: “Oh yeah check out these guns!” While flexing.
You: Feeling her muscle, “It’s rock solid, I can already tell my arm will be sore for a week, you owe me a back rub!”
Her: “I might have to take you up on it.”

If she says something flirtatious like that, you are in. It really doesn't matter what she says because you are being flirtatious and you put it in her mind to touch you. No matter what she says respond with this:

You: “In the meantime, how about a dance, I told you that’s what I came her for. Shall we?” While giving her your arm.
Her: Laughing, “Sure!”

This approach will work to get her to dance just about every time. Dancing with her further allows you both to become comfortable touching one another as well as being in such a close proximity with one another.

There is no magic secret to approaching a woman. No sure fire pickup line that works every time. What worked for one girl may fail on the next twenty. Every guy has their own personal style of pickup and what works for them and what approaches they are comfortable with. If I knew a one size fit all routine that worked on any woman at any time, this would have been a ten page book selling for hundreds of dollars. Instead, every girl, every target brings her own unique challenge. Successful or not, We learn from every pickup attempt. Sure it sucks to be shot down, but we grow from it. We learn to better read the signals she was giving us. We learn to read her body language and know when to counteract the moment she starts to become disinterested, so that we can change the interaction back in our favor. The more we know, the easier it will be to control any and every situation, to the point where we will know if the encouter is worth continuing or we should count our losses and focus our attention elsewhere. But most importantly every approach gives us an opportunity to learn so that any future attempts to approach may lead us to success.