Rejection

The other night a buddy and I went to eat at a local hot spot. Our waitress was really cute and she was really chatting it up with us. We were flirting back and forth with each other and my buddy thought I should ask her out. As the night went on she was spending more and more time at our table. One thing to keep in mind in a situation like this, is that it is her job to be nice to the customer so that she can end up getting a bigger tip. I was confident this was not the case. She was spending way too much time at our table, thus ignoring her other customers. I could tell that she was interested in me. At one point she even sat down beside me and we rated how good looking the girls at the table beside us were. All the while we continued flirting with each other for the better part of an hour. After a while, I said to her, "Jenny, I think you’re really cool, can I call you sometime." She replied with those dreaded words, "Well maybe, if I wasn't practically engaged. My boyfriend actually lives with me." We were there for about another fifteen minutes and the flirting continued, but I was going to get anywhere with this girl.

I had been rejected. Yes, even we get rejected sometimes. Everyone gets rejected. The thing with rejection is, that guys are so afraid of getting rejected that they are too scared to even try to make a move in the first place. Your fear of rejection is keeping you from trying, thus keeping you from succeeding. Just because she says "No" doesn't mean she is saying no to you. Think about what that means. In the story above, I knew the waitress was interested in me. Did she have a boyfriend? She very well could have. Even if she didn't she could have been saying no to a million other things beside me. She could have just got out of a bad relationship, maybe her boss was right around the corner and they aren’t supposed to give out her number to guys from the restaurant. She could have been having a bad day or a bad week, and although I improved her night by flirting with her and asking her out, she said no for some internal reason. What I’m getting at is that women say no for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with you or your physical attractiveness.

Guys who fear rejection are self-conscious about themselves in one way or another. They may consider themselves not very attractive, maybe they have a weight problem, or because they don’t spend two hours in the gym everyday they feel average. They have a problem approaching good looking women because they believe it’s all about physical attraction. What they don’t know is, what women find attractive is body language and confidence, how you carry yourself. All the things we have already been talking about. When this self-conscious individual finally works up the courage to go talk to that girl, they already have it in their head, “She won’t like me because I’m not as good looking as that guy over there.” Those negative thoughts are portrayed in our body language. If we don’t feel confident, it will show in our actions and movements. As we walk up to that gorgeous girl, we are telling her, “You don’t like me, I’m not attractive, I have no value, will you hurry up and reject me and get this over with?” She will read right through you and comply with your wish, completing the cycle and reinforcing your belief that attraction is all physical.

Confidence is all about feeling comfortable in your own skin. When you approach a group of beautiful women and are feeling self-concsious about something, within the first few minutes of talking to them, throw out a funny comment about what makes you feel inadequate. If you are heavy, make a joke about yourself being big. If you don’t consider yourself overly attractive, tell her you don’t mind being her “eye candy” and that she can stare at you all night long. You are showing these women you are comfortable with yourself, but more importantly that you are confident around women.

Compare the above scenario to a guy who feels inadequate about himself and has no self-confidence. He will make statements putting himself down, convincing the girls around him that they should not like him. “I understand if you don’t like me because I’m overweight.” “I’m sorry I’m not, very good looking.” Do you see the difference? One shows you are comfortable with who you are, the other has you apologizing for being you.

Being confident and displaying good body language is what will give you a chance with women. You are also showing her that you are someone that has something extra to offer, something worth getting to know. Whether the current girl finds herself being attracted to you or not is not really important. What is important is you are displaying qualities that women find attractive. Even though she herself may not become sexually attracted to you, she might know someone who will. She most likely did not come alone and she has friends. You are doing all the right things, displaying all the right body language. You have confidence in yourself and are comfortable around women, and she has noticed this. You have now made a friend with a beautiful girl or group of girls. Just because she is not physically attracted to you doesn't mean she does not like you. She will talk you up to her friends, introduce you to her group and in turn will lead you to meet girls who do want a relationship with you. Even though you were “rejected”, you have now opened the door to other opportunities that would not have been there if you did not make that attempt.

Weeding Out Targets

No matter how good looking you are, how good of a body you do or don’t have, how smart or stupid you are, or how good or bad with women you are, there is a girl in every bar that will go home with you. Let me say this again, every place there is a crowd of people, there is a girl that will go home and have sex with you tonight. All you need to do is learn to determine which girl it is and take her home. She already wants it, she just doesn’t know it yet.

Think of how powerful that statement is. You can always find a girl who will go home with you on any given night. The problem is finding the one that will go with you. It all starts with being able to read the signals. If a target is giving you “No” signals or not responding to you with any interest, then there is no reason to approach her. To do so would only set yourself up for rejection and waste time. If you have approached a target and are making good conversation but you have been unable to break the touch barrier, then you must decide if it is worth continuing the conversation with her, or get her phone number and move on to another girl. Rejection happens only because we let it happen by not paying attention to the signals.

We have all seen the guy in the bar that hits on every single girl. The guy that constantly gets shot down attempt after attempt. If you were paying close enough attention, you would have also noticed that by the end of the night that guy is off in the corner with some girl, while you are still watching, waiting to approach a girl you've had your eye on all night. While no one in their right mind wants to be shot down twenty times in one night, those guys have it figured out. There is a girl out there that will go home with them. They use the old plug and chug method, as long as they keep at it, they will find a girl. Even though these guys get rejected many times over, they always find a girl. The reason for this is they try. They are not afraid to approach and are not afraid of rejection.

There are also the guys that deliberately hit on only the most attractive girls in the bar. All women are aware of their surroundings at all times. They know who the most attractive girl in the bar is and they take note of who she is talking to. By approaching the best looking girl at the place, he has now put every woman's attention on him. To the girl across the room, all she sees is the best looking girl in the bar talking to this guy, and if she is talking to him there must be something about him worth getting to know. This guy then goes down the line to the second best looking girl, third best looking, and so forth. All the best looking girls know this guy, he has status. Eventually he continues down the line until he talks to a girl that has been watching his movements all night, watching him around all the beautiful girls. By this time, she believes she is lucky just to be in his presence. In her mind, because he associates with only the most beautiful girls, he is out of her league. She will do everything she can to be with this guy. She played right into his hands. A girl who twenty minutes ago would have nothing to do with this guy, now is doing everything in her power to win him over.

Rejection is all about appearance. The biggest fear is the Hollywood rejection, the girl that screams out “Get away from me!” and throws a drink in your face, letting the whole world know of your failure. This has never, nor will it ever happen. As long as you walk over in a confident manner. If things do not go your way, shrug it off. Tell the girl it was nice to meet her, and walk back to your seat in a confident manner. If you take every rejection personally, you won’t be inclined to move on to the next target. It will also show in your body language. If you walk back dejected with your head down in shame, the girls across the room will know that you were rejected and they will follow suit. For every girl that you do not make a connection with, you are setting yourself up for the next. Maybe she turned you down, but she liked you enough to introduce you to her friend. Or you were turned down by one group of girls, only to have another group across the room notice you talking to them. You now have status in their eyes and when you talk to them, they will accept you. Pick up is a game, full of strategy and strategic moves. Sometimes you have to sacrifice a few men to win the war. You must get in your head that rejection is not a bad thing. Being rejected means you tried. Being rejected means whatever you just tried didn't work. You learn from rejection, but more importantly you succeed with women when you place yourself at risk of being rejected.