Mirroring

The other night Nick and I were at the bar and I started observing two girls dancing together. These girls were dressed a bit sluty, a little sexy, what I mean is, they looked good. A guy we did not know approached them and started dancing with them. He was just your average guy, but what we notcied was how he was dancing like a jackass. Upon first glance I thought this guy had no chance. The girls that were dancing together were paying him no attention and seemed to be making fun of him amongst one another, sort of stringing him along. They put up with him for a while and it was easy to see from afar that they weren't really into him. He seemed like he was picking up on that and just before one of the girls grabbed the other and walked off the dance floor, he started moving his hips and shoulders in conjunction with the other girl. He began mirroring her. As the other girl grabbed her friend to walk away the one dancing with the guy now wanted to stay and convinced her friend to do the same. Not ten seconds before, the girls were done with this guy and ready to walk away from him, and now because of this seemingly meaningless body movement the one girl is now interested, or at least wanted to keep dancing with this guy. They continued to dance with him and we stopped paying attention to them after that, but the point of this story is to illustrate that this guy's mirroring of the girl's body movement built an instant rapport with her.

I’m quite sure the guy had no idea what he had done to gain the girl's interest or we would have started off mirroring her body language from the start and I doubt neither did the girl know what was happening. It was his dancing, the dancing that initially was killing him, was now ultimately responsible for creating this instant chemistry we have been talking about. By mirroring the girl's dancing, he was matching her body language. Mirroring is another way you can build instant rapport or sexual chemistry.

Hopefully by now you have accepted that talking to a girl in the same "language" she speaks will help you build sexual chemistry, and you are applying that to your skill set. So if you can build sexual chemistry by talking "like" someone else. Remember that on a subconscious level, people like people like themselves, wouldn't it also be believable that you could build sexual chemistry by matching their body language; i.e. mirroring? I think by now we have made it clear that body language is super important in pick up. I mean we did devote one third of the book to body language.

Mirroring is something everyone does on some level and they don't even realize it. If you go to watch a movie, how do the rest of the people in the theater act? Most people sit to themselves, and for the most part everyone is quiet. Throughout the movie there will be times when it is appropriate for the entire audience to make noise, like laughter during a funny part of the move, or maybe a scream when something scary or startling on the screen happenes. Everyone basically acts in harmony with everyone else. You are all mirroring each other. Everyone knows courteous theater behavior and their actions reflect that behavior for fear of conflict. Now if one person was constantly talking throughout the movie and being disruptive you would get upset. In fact, everyone in the theater would be unhappy. The reason is, that person's behavior is not consistent with everyone else's behavior. He is not mirroring the other people and for that reason is in conflict with everyone. He doesn't have chemistry with anyone and the audience in the theater will cheer when another patron tells him to, "shut up" or he is removed from the theater by the staff.

If you at a football game most of the crowd is standing up cheering or everyone in your section is standing up, being loud, joking, cheering, and just having a good time then everyone is in harmony with each other and on some level a bond has formed between you all. Now try and picture that same scenario with two people sitting down and being quiet. The two sitting appear to be hating this experience. They are in conflict with the rest of the group. This would actually decrease the level of fun everyone in the section was having because there would be an internal conflict within the section. The two people not having any fun are actually dragging the morale of the rest of the group down by bein there, and on a subconscious level you resent those people for ruining the fun time you all are having.

We have talked a great deal about body language and different signals to look for. We have even talked about how to respond to those signals using your body language. If you will recall the in the last body language section we have a section titled Push and Pull. Now we have introduced the concept of mirroring to you. Look how closely the concept of mirroring, as it relates to NLP, resembles the concept of push and pull. These are things we are doing on the subconscious level to create sexual attraction.

The most important thing to remember when mirroring is that you are not copying. What I mean by that is that mirroring works because it creates instant chemistry on a subconscious level. If you are copying her body language she will become aware of that, and that won’t be good for you as she will not like it because it appears that you are making fun of her. You want to be subtle about it, mirroring her movements in a similiar way, but not exactly copying her outright.

Mirroring Examples

Match the movements she makes with her body. If she crosses her legs, you might pause and then cross your legs. If she plays with her hair, necklace, or earrings, you can adjust your tie if you're wearing one or smooth out your collar. If she takes a drink, you pause for a second and then you take a drink. If she is using a lot of hand motions when she is talking, you might do the same. I bet if you think back, you will find a time when you did just that. You found that you were using a lot of hand expressions while talking for no other reason than that the person you were talking to was also very expressive while talking. Now you know why you did that. You were subconsciously building chemistry with that person.

Another body movement women tend to do is when their legs are crossed is they bob or tap their foot. If the girl you are talking to is bobbing her foot I may tap my heel on the ground (bobbing my knee) in the same rhythm as she is. Or if she is tapping her foot, I will tap my beer bottle or the table with my finger in the same rhythm. Not only am I mirroring her, but I am doing it in a way that is not copying. I'm not doing the exact same motion as her. That would be easy for her to pick up on and be counter productive. I am however, mirroring her in a way that is congruent with her movement thus subconsciously building chemistry. Do you see the difference?

You can also try and match her facial expressions. When you make eye contact with a girl, or anyone for that matter, what do they usually do? They smile at you. What do you do in return? You smile back. You do this without even thinking. So when you are talking with a woman and she flashes you a smile, return the favor. If it’s a big smile, smile big. If just the corners of her mouth that flip up, give her a small smile in return. If she laughs at something, you laugh. If it's not very funny, smile and give a little chuckle anyways to show you are in the same state she is. When someone is sad, you don't smile at them. You try and act empathetic and tone down your demeanor to match theirs. I often do this when I’m joking with a girl, bantering her, or role playing. At some point in the interaction I will get a look where she raises an eyebrow, or the corners of her eyes close a little, and she will give me a little smile. Almost as if she is saying with her facial expression, "You are crazy," or, "I don't know about that," or "You are mysterious and intriguing;" it's a good look. Whenever I get that look I give it right back, as almost to say "You’re right, I am interesting and you can't quite figure out why. I am worth getting to know."

Another situation where I like to mirror facial expression is when arguing with a girl, or I say something that puts her off a little. I then get that "you’re in trouble" look, where the nose scrunches up and her eyebrows crinkle/crease. I'll give her that look right back. Not only am I trying to get her to laugh and get her right out of that negative state of mind, but I’m also building sexual chemistry with her by mirroring her facial expressions.

Mirroring can also be done vocally. If she is speaking fast, try and match her pace. If she speaks slow, slow down your pace. If she uses a lot of slang words, do the same. If she talks in a very proper manner, try the same. As she raises and lowers her voice, match her in that aspect. If she is a very soft speaker, speak softly. Breathing is a great way to create sexual chemistry. By breathing in the same pattern as your target you can create chemistry. If she is taking slow deep breaths, you try the same. She may be breathing rapidly or very loudly. Do the same. It’s important to do this in a subtle way. If you normally breathe very shallow and she is taking deep breaths, take a very subtle deep breath every so often. One place I find mirroring breathing patterns really works well is on the dance floor. When you are close to her and can feel her breathing pattern it is easy to be in sync with her and match hers. She feels your breath on her neck or shoulder and subconsciously knows you are in sync with her on this level.

Other than the dance floor, I like to mirror a girl's breathing when I am making out her her and I want to take things to the next level. If we have been kissing and groping for a while and things are stagnant, I will match her breathing pattern (pace, tone, and depth). I will do this for a short time, maybe ten to twenty seconds, just long enough for her to realize we are in sync. You will know it's been long enough because she in turn will match your breathing pattern. She may even start to slightly moan. After these ten to twenty seconds, I will start breathing a little faster, deeper, and louder. She in turn raises her breathing pattern to match mine, and once that happens the clothes start coming off.

An interesting thing happens here. All this time we have been talking about how you should be the one to mirror her body language in order to build attraction or sexual chemistry. In the example above the target has now started to mirror you. You have been trying all along to get her in a receptive state of mind and now that she feels comfortable with you, she has droppped her guard and reached a heightened state of sexual chemistry. When she begins mirroring you, she has reached her peak, and in a sense is trying to get you to that same place. If your goal was to get your target into bed you've reached your goal, but this isn't just confined to the bedroom. You can do this anywhere with any girl; the bar, a coffee shop, out to dinner. A test you can do to see if you have been doing a good job of building chemistry or attraction with this person is to take the lead and see if she mirrors your body language. If she does mirror you, then on a subconscious level you have built attraction; you're in sync. Don't fuck it up. If she doesn't mirror your body language, it's not a big deal. Just continue to do the things we have talked about and try the test again later on. Once she beings to mirror your actions, feel comfortable to start moving things forward.